"The place to start is with a sober reminder of the consequences of sin. What happens when I fail to resist temptation? James 1:15 says, "it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."

I am so grateful to God that even when I am a Hot Mess, ever since I surrendered totally to Him and continue to surrender He Provides a way out.  I have seen how this month when I especially wanted to give up God is holding on to me.....The thing is we have to heed Gods' warning and not let the enemy isolate us!!! Our God is faithful even when we are not!!!!  Let's not lose our focus when for all we know t he blessing is at HAND! For we are all more than conquerors in Christ Jesus!!!
"

1 Corinthians 10:6-13 (New International Version)

 ⁶ Now these things occurred as examples to keep us from setting our hearts on evil things as they did. ⁷ Do not be idolaters, as some of them were; as it is written: “The people sat down to eat and drink and got up to indulge in revelry.”^[a] 8 We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did—and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died. ⁹ We should not test Christ,^[b] as some of them did—and were killed by snakes. ¹⁰ And do not grumble, as some of them did—and were killed by the destroying angel.

 ¹¹ These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the culmination of the ages has come. ¹² So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! ¹³ No temptation^[c] has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted^[d] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,^[e] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

from www.gateway.com 

Yana of all Trades.....

Well, it has been fifteen months of recovery, transformation and moving forward.  While I realize that things have change I refuse to believe that God has called me to be home like a blob!  I can cook, I love making desserts that people request for.  I love making my beads as gifts and some by request.  I also love helping people organize and plan; IE weddings, parties, etc.  So this is what I hope to focus on while I continue to learn what it means to deal with some permanent disabilities.  For resting is something I am still learning!

God waits...

Its been awhile.
Its been a lot to write in a public forum.
It has been a lot of things, kinda the good, the bad and the Thank you Lord.
It has been a season of pause, of reflection and what I most realize is that God waits for me to start my day with him. It is an amazing love!
God truly wants to hear my concerns worries and smallest of cares.  Yet, sometimes I tend to be so task oriented I forget.  Let us not forget that God is the the I AM THAT I AM.  While people fight wars, religious debates, families hurt all the while God waits for us to seek HIM!
PSALM 77 and 139
Take time to ask the Lord about your day!  God waits because God loves us!

Feeling to deep to write

I got a lot on my mind.  Its one of those times when you can be in a room full a people and still feel alone.  Or you just don't know wheather to laugh or cry....

I just want to be held........  Mary says it best http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOGmtnChKec

It has been awhile.................

It is weird the things that make you think about how much time has passed.  My nephew is here with us; who is like the mini version of my husband which is bitter-sweet.  The last time he was here is when I fell.  Which was July 28th at 5am in the morning and I am so emotional about it...........

I feel like..... I am not even sure but 8 months is a long time to be dealing with Chronic Pain like this.  Yeah, I have always had health issues but this, this is insane.  I realize that I can't be anything other than me at this moment.  That I have to take care of me first which look like GOD, ME, and my hubby!!!!!!!!Then all the other crap.  Because boy people sure know how to bring you down.   I have to take care of me.   I am not trying to be selfish by no means because I know God has given me a gift of being a care taker but people sure know how to suck life and joy out of you.  I am speaking in general terms because for each of us it could be friends, family, television whatever.  I think sometimes we have to learn to Pause/Selah and think about things!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Why am I doing thing?  For who?  you know what are my intentions is this a relationship that is good for me?  All those things.  Life is short and the more we allow others to Sabotage we (if you your anything like what I am trying not to be) then you can really destroy things.  I believe that God sent his son to bring us FREEDOM; we are the idiots who make all these rules.  The Creator wants us to see we are connected and we need to love and respect and be kind to each other.  I believe that Christ is my Prince of Peace and if I put him first I will find my healing.  And so I have to set some real boundaries again in my life and realize once again that some people just love misery Search Amazon.com for boundaries

When you no longer have the choice................

It is weird because there is a lot to be said about choice.  
IT IS ONE THING WHEN YOU CAN BELIEVE IT IS  YOUR CHOICE WHEN AND WHEN NOT TO HAVE A CHILD.  BUT WHEN THAT CHOICE IS MADE FOR YOU.  WHEN A DOCTOR TELLS YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE NO WAY!  NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.  YET, MANY DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT WHAT A SURPRISE.
 
Whether you are a man and have problems with your sperm or the women being told it not healthly or physically possible I am not sure anyone but God can understand that pain. I  just think people think they understand but its hard to understand.  With God all things are possible but what if in the same way the Creator chooses some to be single and others to be married; what if he calls some to raise their own children and some to raise none or that of others. 

Just a thought.  I am praying for my friend, my spouse and those of you knew that know the pain of future dreams Greif & Pain. 

I am just not cured of all this stuff but I am free, I have hope, I have the love and light and I know that my Redeemer Lives....

This was my devotional this morning as I get ready to find out a lot of things including if I have to do another 8 weeks of injections and Bladder installations...... 
Cured or Healed? http://www.upperroom.org/Devotional/

Read John 9:1-11

[The formerly blind man] answered, "... Jesus made some mud, rubbed it on my eyes, and told me to go to Siloam and wash my face. So I went, and as soon as I washed, I could see."

-John 9:11 (TEV)

It is hard to wake up early in the morning knowing what I have to deal with!  Yes, I am grateful I am not dying but the pain sometimes sure makes me wish I was....  Then to top it off this morning is another bad day its been  a bad few days feeling sharp pains  as if its labor from both ends; anybody understand what I am talking about.  Then I am trying to make summer plans but can't because I can't even guarantee what I can do this week.  We got stuck in traffic in NJ yesterday and I missed my turn because of the new construction and not only was it a pain in the ass then it is NOW!  Its just too much and when people cannot comrehend how can you trully share.  If people do not get that I am healed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am free!!!!!!!!!!! I have hope.!!!!!!!!!!  But I am just not cured of all this stuff but I trust one day, one day whether that is in this life or the afterlife God will complete the good work he has begun in me; even if I don't get it so thats that!  

Now I gotta get ready!  Happy St. Patricks day!  Have one for me since I can't drink!  

Relationships....................

I know it has been awhile and honestly I am not sure I have much to say..........more because I am digesting it.  Today's devotional from Upper Room Ministries really spoke to my heart this morning as it talked about prickly people. 
"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself." And he said to him, "You have given the right answer; do this, and you will live." ), which includes my prickly neighbors, too.
I know we all have family issues; my own got a little crazy in the past few weeks; today's blog is dedicated to my Abuelita who by living her life has taught me patience, strength, consistent love, laughter and a belief in God in all things.  Loving our neighbors is not easy, especially when one is in pain, moody, or just not in a loving place.  It is hard to love family, friends and sometimes even oneself.  My big struggle has always been loving me and so being a Believer for me has more to do with receiving Gods' love for me and loving me.  All this stuff lately with this PTSD has a lot to do with learning to take care of me.  How to put myself first because I am so good at taking care of others and making excuses for taking care of me that.....................Well, there is no good excuse!  For I am to Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself." This is the way God has called us to live Jesus said this to a rich man who had it all..And he said to him, "You have given the right answer; do this, and you will live." ), which includes my prickly neighbors, too.  It is hard but in this lenten season again I am just meditating on what about me and my habits need to change so I can be the woman God wants me to be.  So, today I need to remember I have to love me if I expect to love anyone!!!!!!!!!!! Even in pain, depression, etc I need God to deal with it all.  
So, to my Abuelita Gracias por tu amor y por siempre estando ahi por mi. Por tu fe en el Senor de como nina me enseno lo bueno!  Tu eres mi heroina hoy y para siempre!  TE AMO!


Celia Cruz Y Gloria Estefan Tres gotas te agua bendita
En la campiña sentada
Esta mi abuela, Luciana
Que aunque esta vieja y cansada
Tempranito se levanta

Justo al cantio de un gallo..........................


Y pa’ que nada le falte
En el transcurso del dia
Saca su pañuelo rojo
Y un poco de agua bendita.....................
Un, dos, tres
Tres gotas de agua bendita
Y se te cura el lumbago
Y se te aclara la vista...............
Un, dos, tres
Tres gotas de agua bendita
Con agua bendita, negrita
Todos los males se te quitan

Un, dos, tres
Tres gotas de agua bendita
Y un poco de hierbabuena
Se curan las pesadillas

Tres gotas de agua bendita
Y se te aclara el futuro
Nunca te falta el trabajo
Y vas hasta el fin del mundo

Con el pasar de los años
Mi abuela no compendia
Que el mundo va progresando
Que existe la medicina
Que existen computadoras
Que existe la geografia
Que todo no se resuelve
Bañado en agua bendita

Un, dos, tres
Tres gotas de agua bendita
Para el dolor de cabeza
No te hace falta aspirina

Un, dos, tres
Tres gotas de agua bendita
Y un poco de hierbabuena
Te quita las pesadillas

Un, dos, tres
Tres gotas de agua bendita
Pa’ que te cure el espasmo
Y nunca sientas envidia

Un, dos, tres
Tres gotas de agua bendita
Pa’ que el muchacho de al lado
Te diga los Buenos dias

Tres gotas de agua bendita
Y se te aclara el puturo
Nuncia te falta el trabajo
Y vas hasta el fin del mundo

Con tres gotas de, de agua bendita
Para el dolor, para el dolor, para el dolor de cabeza
De agua bendita
Ay, mi abuela no vive
So no tiene el sabor
De agua bendita
Con tu pañuelo en la mano
De agua bendita

Para que nada, para que nada
Para que nada, te falte de agua bendita
Agua bendita pa’ ti
Agua bebdita pa’ mi
Y pa’ mi abuelita
De agua bendita

Ese es mi abuela
La quiero con locura
Y a ti tambien, celia

Playing with images................

I think the only one that as a child helped me use my imagination by the shows we watched and the stories she would tell is my abuelita/grandma.  She has not been feeling well and the thought of it all had me thinking about a lot of things so I decided to share with you.  I love my Abuelita she raised me and I have always admired her strength, tenaciousnes and humility.  Gracias abuelita por tu amor!  So here is a big secret, some days I want to be some exotic Greek goddess; just because!  
Aphrodite............
http://www.pantheon.org/articles/a/aphrodite.html 

The Phoenix rising.................
I used to read X Men comics and I was obsessed with Jean Grey and Storm because they both were complicated like me.  

http://graphicnovelscomics.suite101.com/article.cfm/xman_jean_grey  this site tells more about her background........

Jean Grey has always been portrayed as somebody with a strong moral background. Indeed, many of the pivotal stories about the character involve the inner battle between Jean Grey's innate virtuous character and the evil or amoral influence of the Phoenix Force which came to inhabit her body. Jean Grey has even willingly sacrificed her life so that she would no longer pose a danger to others. In the famous "Dark Phoenix" storyline, Jean Grey is said to have sacrificed her own life so that the world could be saved. A number of writers have described interesting parallels between these events and the New Testament account of the Jesus Christ's sacrifice on the Cross. These stories are not exact parallels, however, because Jean Grey's character, under the influence of the Phoenix, had a dual nature and evil/destructive component which is not present in the New Testament account of Jesus.

 Storm too struggles with the trauma of losing her parents that later her confidant Jean Grey learns about.
http://marvel.com/universe/Storm
Storm was initially very naive when it came to the customs of the modern world, but her team mate Jean Grey helped educate her in the ways of society and the pair formed a lasting friendship. Jean was also one of the first X-Men to learn of Storm's claustrophobia after the two women chased a thief into the subway.
After serving with the team for many years, Storm was appointed leader of the team following the departure of former leader Cyclops after the apparent death of Jean. Storm was initially unsure about her new role, but with the support of her team-mates she soon became a capable leader. When Cyclops eventually returned to the team, Storm found herself doubting her leadership abilities once more after a mission she led went wrong. However, she soon asserted her position, reminding Cyclops that she was now team leader.
http://marvel.wikia.com/Ororo_Munroe_%28Earth-616%29

Coping with life's obligations.............

Well, been fighting off a cold and today could not speak which could be blessing for others.  Seriously, here in Philly we are whining about the snow and inside me I am whining about my comfort level.  I mean it's not that I mind people asking how are you is that I wonder do you want me to answer truthfully...............
I mean who do you tell my vagina hurts or/and itches. 
Do you wanna know that I wish I could go bare some days because my underwear hurts?  do I share that before or after dinner. Am I supposed to whine and complain all the time, I mean I am hear and I am gonna laugh about it or cry but I can't please everyone.  Especially now as I try to figure out at 34 what the heck do I do with the rest of my life...............
How do I cope?  How can I explain my fear of no bathrooms; or sitting for long periods of time. 
How do I explain oh I love that you brought me wine but its acidic so I can't drink it. 
No thank you I can walk by myself you rude ass because you are being a speed demon.  I can't walk fast when everything below my belly button is screaming can I please get some  ice, heat, drugs............
Yes, as a Christian I believe all things are possible but I tend to believe that our bodies are Gods gifts and when they scream SLOW DOWN maybe we should.
I want to just go out, have fun not talk about me; I wanna laugh of course with my poise on...............
I want to have sex that does not hurt at any point unless I want it to;-)
I want to go to the bathroom and not regret it because it hurts so much. 
I want to do more but who can when  I feel like all I do and feel comfy doing is laying down. 
I want to be remembered but not suffocated.  This is why I seek help and know I need Jesus!
I want to cope happily, without regret.................

So I share with you because who knows what your going through but it helps me to read things others write about. 

Sorry Buddies, I cannot get over it!!!!

I had a wonderful conversation with a lady named Elaine today....and I went home thinking...
Why am I  always in a rush............. Why?
Why am I trying so hard to please others?
Why do I care so much about what others think? 
Why have I been treating myself LASTLY?
Why is it so much easier to give than to receive? 
Why do people expect you to just be okay when your NOT?
Why do I do these things knowing that the Lover of my soul just wants me to be happy and yet that is hard to keep in mind at times! 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Its late so this won't be long but I met someone today that finally got me, read me, and understood my wacky way.  PTSD has been mentioned for like the last 3 years and I have to admit I been pushing myself to be whatever I am supposed to be but you know what I am not okay.  I will be okay because I am a survivor but one things for sure I can't keep taking care of YOU!   You whoever you are; I need to take care of me.  I can't anymore plus I don't want to be alone!  I don't want to be treated as if I want to be sick.  Yeah! People can't handle when truthfully my ass hurts and today I laughed about it.  Today it was as if it was a sign from God that its gonna be okay and no it is not easy but the important thing is that I remember its not my fault. 
Well, I don't think I can make sense tonight because its way past my bed time and I am in a lot of pain But.  I am thinking of my supportive and best brother ever who reminds me this is and always has been my theme song; love you Bro................. Survivor. by Destiny Child

(Verse 1)
Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better,
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
But I'm stronger,
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
But I'm richer,
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder,
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
Now I'm wiser,
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
But I'm smarter,
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,
Sold nine million.

[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

(Verse 2)
Thought I couldn't breathe without you,
I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without you,
Perfect vision,
You thought I couldn't last without ya,
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya,
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without ya,
But I'm on top,
Though it would be over by now,
But it won't stop,
You thought that I would self-destruct,
But I'm still here,
Even in my years to come,
I'm still gon' be here.

[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

(Bridge)
I'm wishin' you the best,
Pray that you are blessed,
Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna lie on you or your family, yo,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna hate you in the magazine,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna compromise my Christianity,
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the Internet
Cause my momma told me better than that.

[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

After all of the darkness and sadness,
Still comes happiness,
If I surround myself with positive things,
I'll gain prosperity.

[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what)(Don't stop me now)
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

Dependable or what in the eyes of others....

Happy and Blessed Valentines day to all; a day to remember the importance of LOVE.  Well these thoughts have been on my mind and heart.  It is so hard for a caregiver like myself to not be dependable for anything. 
The dictionary says that: de⋅pend⋅a⋅ble: Show Spelled Pronunciation [di-pen-duh-buhl] –adjective capable of being depended on; worthy of trust; reliable: a dependable employee. 
I hate being unstable like this.  I never know what each moment holds being like this; being a person of illness.  Never knowing how much pain I will be in; especially if I over do it.  I can't have too many things planned.  People say they understand.
People say it is okay.
People expect.......
Yet, here I am in bed, in pain because I knew two events in one weekend would be too much; and to think I missed out on one.  Shoot I didn't even spend time with my best friend and family for my birthday because I knew I could not do it.  It took me to the last minute to admit it but, I can't be me as I used too be. 
This is why I think today is even more important just to share these feeling a day in which commercially we celebrate love, as Christians we read the story of Transfiguration in preparation of this Lenten journey.  Today I am thinking about a lot of things but mostly about process and the journey of change.  Even this not being able to be the kind of caretaker I am used to is part of the process.  God is once again teaching me a new way of doing things, a new way of living as He would want even with Chronic Illness.
It is not easy but I guess as a Christian I get ready for this Lenten season I must remember that it only matters what my Creator thinks of the choices I make.  Am I being faithful to my time with him?  Am I being dependable in my duty to feed my spirit?  Well, this is what I am chewing on and what I will be praying about this Lenten season is my Father in Heaven pleased with me!!!!!   Much love to all continue this journey..........

Today is my Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to me! This may sound boastful but all glory and honor to him who has formed and created me: Jeremiah 1:5-10 NIV
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Ah, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.”
But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “Now, I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”

I truly believe my life is a miracle.  God only knows where I would be had I not been saved by the Lord.  I am alive!  My biggest dream before Christ was to live to my 18th birthday well today I am proudly 34 years old!!!!!!!!!!!!  My life has not been easy but I don't have to be alone.  Christ has given me a famiy one that is of friends, family,  and the Body of Christ.  I just thank God that even as I lie here not feeling to great; I know it can only get better because all of my life has gotten better.  Maybe its that the Lord is the Joy of my Salvation and my Strength in my weakest hour.  That in the darkest moments I experience even glimpses of his life and light.  I thank the Lord I am here!  I thank the Lord I am remembered!  I thank the Lord for my life!  Well, I could say a lot like I normally due but today I am just grateful and enjoying that peace, joy and his LOVE FOR ME...................

I Can't give up now: How to survive in this economy but yet get better..........

Well, Mary, Mary said it best I can't give up now and God help me I won't I just need guidance...
"Can't Give Up Now"

There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.
I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
NOBODY told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me
Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I would't fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And i feel all hope is gone,
I'll just lift my head up to the sky
and say help me to be strong
I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me
(HOOK)
No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me(so I can't)
I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
NOBODY told me the road would be easy and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

I thank God for the littlest blessings reimbursment checks even of fifty bucks, or coupons that helped keep grocercies under the amount you needed.  But then I have to deal with oweing money to school loans, a car that I need but not that bad, medical bills, etc, etc.  I find myself a few days before my 34 birthday waiting to hear from disability I mean what choice do I have..............................
I appreciate that maybe I can write, maybe I can preach, maybe  baby.  But we owe so much money and our biggest concern is not fancy stuff but paying for gas, food, my medical stuff and we have insurance and yet we gotta plan co pays and all that. 
I guess being snowed in has me wondering what now.  I know I can survive this; I know God has a plan but shopping at the dollar store for pads is not what I wanna do long term. We are all doing bad and scared about the future. 
For me I hate the feeling of insecurity, no stability, things being so unpredictable even with my own body. For me a high school drop out turned Rev. Yana Pagan aka Chaplain do I just give up NO WAY............
I guess all I am saying its easier to remember the bad moments than it is the beautiful ones.  I guess that is why scripture talks about focusing our eyes on the prize and PRESSING ON! 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmQBshQ11uo

Warning this a dream about Rape.................

OH MY God I had the worst dream........................
I have never been a victim of rape!  I was abused repeatedly as a child but to my recall not actual rape.  From what I know from friends who have been you don't forget that....Although the loss of innocence sure sounds like rape to me and that I have experienced.
So this morning at like 4am while there is this blizzard going on I am in so much pain I can feel it which only made the dream worse.
I can't really remember it all or its proper order.  There was a lot of black cars, people and just darkness.  Inclosed rooms or waiting areas, cops, my peeps the Pagan family, confussion, pain, fear, crying.

 

• The this is all in my head.  
• Susa and I chasing a lead  to search for answers but also because the law was dragging there feet.
• I think the idea of those that were there for me and those that weren't.  
• The room I had to wait in, that it happened in, that I was questioned in... 5 by 5 cold room
• Darkness all around, even people and cars.  
• The only thing bright were my friends especially my sis Susa which was good and weird all at the same time.  
• Angel well I was waiting for him.
• Confusion between known and unknown.  and also what happened at home and somewhere else.  
• People talking about me; the threat of danger looming.
• It hurt.....................emotionally and physically thats why I woke up pissed needing chocolate. 

As I think about this now 3 hours later this has  a lot to do with how I have been feeling about everyting.  I have no control.  I have to wait.  I have to  figure this all out.  I am learning about me about who are my friends.  Who can I count on????

I give and give and give!
I obey the rules
I have bad days too! 
I please everyone.
Who the heck told you I had the answers?!
                          What about when I am hurting?
                           Who can I count on to stand by me in it all?
                           Is it my fault you can't handle my complication?
                           I hate rules but I realize they exist so we can all function it some order................... Well, this is why I am in therapy because I got a lot of shit on my mind and heart.  And the Lord is with me and has a purpose for my life but he also wants me to be whole and healed. 
Here are some lyrics kinda to express what I am thinking at the moment..........

My Immortal lyrics...Songwriters: Hodges, David; Lee, Amy; Moody, Ben; 

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
.........These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Alicia Keys next two songs......

Nobody Not Really lyrics
Oooh...
Who really cares?(2x)
When I talk
What I feel
What I say...
Nobody Not Really.

Who wants to take, The time to understand?
I would like, someone to heal me wit some empathy
I can't find...Nobody Not Really.

Maybe I'm invisible, to the world.
Does anyone in the world, even think of me?
As more than just a hopeless cause?
Maybe the world is,not my block.
My stoop.
My life.
My dreams.
My anything.
Anything...
Who wants to help?
Mama...but she's so tired
Papa...but your not here
I'm alone in a big empty space with...
Nobody Not Really.
Oooh...

Fight lyrics
Hey....................Where's your faith for Jesus

Um hmm 4x
You think I don't understand
You think your baby don't know what's goin' on
How come everyone keeps telling me what my own two eyes should see
Where's your faith in me?
I still got love for you
And I'm still gonna pray for you
And still got hope for you
And I'm still gonna make my move
I don't care what they say to you
Still got a thing to do
Fight is all I knew
So what am I supposed to do
As I'm willing to fight, fight for you
(Fight)
Didn't come all this way, just to lose
Didn't give you my heart so you could break it
We're gonna make it
Even if I have to fight for you
Um hmm
(Huh)
Say um hmm
(Huh)
Um hmm
(Huh)
Umm
Freedom is a basic right
(Basic right)
You can't take what's mine
(Take what's mine)
I won't let nobody hold me down
Gotta fight
Gotta keep my dignity
(Hey)
Gotta do what I believe
Can't you stand up to them, take a stand
(Hey)
I still got love for you
And I'm still gonna pray for you
And still got hope for you
And I'm still gonna make my move
I don't care what they say to you
Still got a thing to do
Fight is all I knew
So what am I supposed to do
As I'm willing to fight, fight for you
(Fight)
Didn't come all this way, just to lose
Didn't give you my heart so you could break it
We're gonna make it
Even if I have to fight for you
As I'm willing to fight, fight for you
(Fight)
Didn't come all this way, just to lose
Didn't give you my heart so you could break it
We're gonna make it
Even if I have to fight for you
Oh, 'cuz I will if I have to
If I have to I will
You know I will if I have to
If I have to I will
You know I will if I have to
If I have to I will
Oh, I'm not gonna stand here watchin'
Stand here and watch
You turn your back on me
Said, I'll fight for you baby
Ooh ho
Oh ho
Oh hmm

No Chocolate and mad.........................

Okay I am really pissed, not even sure it makes sense to anyone else but those of us that suffer with IC, IBS, and other chronic ailments. 

So we got this blizzaard thingy going on.  I just had a horrible dream in which not only woke me up be left me wanting chocolate. Shouldn't be a bad thing right?!!!!!!!!! For the normal person but since it is one of the things I  need to avoid all I have is Carob stuff that just aint doing it after that nightmare.  You know I really have not in my own opinion complained; I keep my cool about my restrictions.  While some can't eat certain food like maybe pork, or fried food I have many restrictions but no chocolate; I can almost taste it..............

Hot chocolate is not it I want chocolate!

Not even a drink after a dream of being raped' chocolate!  I just have to have everything in moderation or I will suffer consequences for my choices.  Crap I ain't asking to get drunk. My life has it gotten better or worse.  Do I post about this dream because it was scary and vivid but I think has more to do with other things and really don't want to hear somebodies BS about God and dreams.  I am not certain this was of God this just has to do with my physical and emotional state.  

Why what a rant all because I want some f;;;;;;;;;;;;;; chocolate!  God help me I definately have a problem:-x

http://www.ic-network.com/diet/2009icdietlist.pdf 

Rest........................

Rest a word I have studied, struggled, taught and preached on and still I need to learn.  Not the what is it of it all but how to live it in my life.  Especially the resting in my Creators' care.  It is not easy, in pain, tired, restlessness, living and oh my being relationship.
I am not sure I have no words today or at the moment.......................  This is what I have remind myself today an oldie but a goodie for me from Yolanda Adams and it is remembering that I need to REST in him!  Everything my finances, my loved ones, my health, my now, later and my tomorrow, he cares!!!!  I need to praise him even if its crying!  For in HIM things will be different not because of me but because he is faithful.

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/y/yolanda+adams/the+battle+is+the+lords_20148822.html

Weirdest looking herd.............

Weirdest looking herd quote from ICE AGE:

 "Manny, Manny, Manny, you OK? Come on, come on, say something. 

Anything.       What? What? I can't hear you.
       You're standing on my trunk.
       - You're OK. You're OK. - Why did you do that?
        You could have died, trying to save me.
        That's what you do in a herd.
        You look out for each other.
        Well, thanks.
I don't know about you guys, but 

we are the weirdest herd I've ever seen."

A lot has happened in recent dayz and since I have been emotional any way I keep thinking about family and friends.  My only family that on both sides is supposed to be huge yet I have never known for reasons I will never understand.  But ever since I have become a Christian the church has become a family to me....  Even the family I left behind in da Bronx they are still my church family.  Once Angel and I got married now 10 years ago we have always made it a point to say we are a family the two of us; and even when we realized that would be our fate it did not change that we are a family.  A family that seems to pick up strays like us along the way.  Angel and I seem to like the idea that God uses us to bless others as the Lord has blessed us.  Especially since we have been out here in Philadelphia we see how God has given us some diamonds in the rough that are precious to us so very precious.  

We are adoptive grandparents to some 5 wonderful kids but especially the boyz we spend so much time with; that bring such joy to our hearts.  Their parents and real abuelita let us in to that family and it was that love that made us a herd.  I always say we don't always like each other but we do love each other.  It is hard because we all go through changes, teens become adults, children become parents and life goes on.   

Being in Chronic pain and dealing with life; the hardest for me has been being medicated, in pain and having the worst of it come my way but still trying to remind each of them no matter how much it hurts that I love them because they are my family. 

 

One of my favorite websites for quotes http://thinkexist.com/quotes/like/family_means_too_much-friends_are_too_valuable/327803/

 

“Family means too much, Friends are too valuable, And life is too short, To put-off sharing with people, How much they really mean to you, And pursuing whatever it is that makes you happy.”

 

“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves”

 Edna Buchanan quotes

 

I believe it is so true!  Even my brother Anthony who is my blood would agree that we have made a family not as our families would expect but how God intended.   I know I can't always be perfect but I try to lean on the Love of the Lord to keep me going.  I realized that the more I love, the more I trust the more vulnerable I become but I am not going to stop loving now because of my past.  I feel that I will miss out on so much.  Plus, I want to be the Woman of God, God desires me to be, to be the Noble woman of Proverbs 31 not just for me but for my family.  No matter how difficult we are to explain, no matter what storms we go through I can only pray we come out stronger and wiser on the other side of things. 

So on my worst days and on my best dayz to my herd that remains steady and those that come and go here is to you my Bruno's, Rhodes, Rodriguez Clan, Robinsons, Anthony &  his tribe, my Pagan familia, Devos, Arroyo's, Rivera's y Montes and to my Sistah's who ride with me for life  and those that have come when was most needed to you I say thank you for life is short and none of us can do it alone.  THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE FOR I WOULD NOT BE THE WOMAN I AM TODAY WITHOUT YOUR PRAYERS AND ENCOURAGEMENT.  TOGETHER HAS MADE A DIFFERENCE.......................Thank you God for my herd!

Last day...................

Sharing this is the hard part but..........

Today was hopefully the last one but the Bladder Instillation is actually the okay part.  In technical terms: "Also called bladder wash or bath, bladder instillation may help relieve inflammation or repair the bladder's protective lining. During this treatment, the bladder is filled with medications using a slender tube called a catheter. One or more types of medication may be used. The medication is held inside the bladder for a period of time (usually from 15 to 30 minutes). Then the medication is urinated out or drained from the bladder through the catheter. Instillation treatments are often repeated several times over a period of two to three months. " from gastro.org

The part I am happy is over is the injections because they are put right into the spasms and problem areas which I swear some Fridays feels like everywhere. So not to gross everyone just take a look at the nerves in the PFD and you will get the idea. 

I realize that all the is stuff has also made me more vunerable and sometimes angry than I have been in awhile.  How do  I really talk about that I feel like my sensitiviity is out the window because who but the LORD IS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND ME.  and of course God gets me but its a lot; so my next appointment is March 1st and I pray that it cna just stay like that because the pain is just too much and this better make things better. 

In a Process of recovery on Gods' time.

Sometimes I think we just need to take time to process things.  I have a strong belief in my Savior but I am not the one in control.  Yesterday,  At St. Paul's Baptist Church,  Rev. Leslie Callahan confirmed that restlessness in my Spirit that I am not the one in control.  That yes I have continue to Press on, to Trust in the Lord to wait because although this injury happened on July 28, 2009 it is healing past wounds which I didn't even realize needed healing and so for me this means I am in a Process of recovery.
According to Wikipedia which was accessed {en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recovery } this morning states that RECOVERY is:  

Healing is the act or process of curing or of restoring to health.[1] Assessed physically, healing is the process by which the cells in the body regenerate and repair to reduce the size of a damaged or necrotic area. Healing incorporates both the removal of necrotic tissue (demolition), and the replacement of this tissue.The replacement can happen in two ways: [1]by regeneration: the necrotic cells are replaced by the same tissue as was originally there.[2] by repair: injured tissue is replaced with scar tissue.

Of course we all walk away with the message that we need to hear but I believe the message was clear and realistic for me.  IThere are things that need to replaced, repaired and some things removed for Gods' will to be done.  My thoughts this week and especially after church brought to mine the Psalm of these last 6 months and maybe my personal Christian walk.  Which is: Psalm 30:1-5 New Revised Standard Version

I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up, and did not let my foes rejoice over me. O LORD my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. O LORD, you brought up my soul from Sheol, restored me to life from among those gone down to the Pit. Sing praises to the LORD, O you his faithful ones, and give thanks to his holy name. For his anger is but for a moment; his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

My reality, the truth for me is......I feel the pressure of society, my success within my  demonination, pressures in our marriage especially financially, etc... because of my own injury and current state of health.  I was foolish enough to think that I was done once I  finished seminary and becameReverend Yana Janiese Pagan.  Then I got this great job with this awesome company and after two months after my fractured coccyx; I realized I could not for health reasons continue with them.  It is hard because in a few weeks I will be 34 and I thought I should have it all figured out but if life is a process.  So why should I be discouraged, why should the Shadows come when Jesus is my portion and constan friend and I should always be in process of transfomation.  One thing I am learning in a new and different way is that I cannot do it alone; and I knew this but at the moment I am learning it in a different way.  Because especially dealing with Chronic pain and personal illness it is so much easier just to be alone in it all.    I think that is where I sin because it is my belief that God created us to be in relationship.  But when your feeling your worst not everyone wants to hear or deal with our realities.  And, as a pastor people have expections that I cannot humanly fulfill. 

We are all living in a time where we need to remember that weeping may linger for the night but JOY does come in the morning.  For me it is also moments like this when I surrender to the process and trust that God wants the best for me.  Yeah, I am tired from the journey.  Yes, it feels like suffering and struggling again!  Yet, I know in whom I believe and who I am in my Creator.  And, the Lord ain't finished with this shorty any time soon.  Because I know that my life is a miracle, a living testimony.... I am not a statistic, I am no longer a high school drop out, I am not dead and I have greater dreams than living to see my eighteenth birthday. 

This process even with this illness is in Gods' care and he is in control and I would not change a thing but wish that I wouldn't always be so stubborn.  Surrendering to God's timing and will is much easier than my way.  Espcially on my gloomy days.  But again God is not finished with me yet and it is a process; no Drive thru here!!!!!  

So to you that I share my intimate thoughts with be encouraged because we are strong; we will survive and if we lean on God he will be Faithful even when we are NOT.  The Joy of the Lord is OUR STRENGTH!!!!

Morning after!

Well,  I did not sleep because this week is always hard and whether before or after since the opening of this wound I dream weird dreams. Dreams that I know in some way it is me trying to piece things together, explain, but it is in these moments where I MUST seek the Prince of Peace and Trust that I am his and he will calm my storm.  

God I thank you for many things.  I thank you for the family of Christ you have given me, the people you have put in my path along this journey and just for your promise that you would never leave or forsake me.  

It is interesting the emails, text and calls I have gotten.  Not just in regards to my blog but also to my post about my son Michael.  It is weird to be so open about it but for more details you will just have to wait for the book.  As a Christian my son Michael has not been a secret to me or to those that I shared him with.  It is hard to be the one to tell the story especially knowing that people talk and perceptions are usually wrong.  I was 14 years old, got pregnant my first time, carried to term and then lost my son in the most traumatic of ways.  A lot of what I am going through now with my health; has to do with Michael and what my body went threw but only God could have known that healing from the deepest parts were in store for me.  

It is a new day, a day of celebration.  I will always remember him and remember that my life is a miracle because medically I should not be here.  So, I do my best even in the darkest feelings to celebrate life and the life that God is allowing me to live.  I pray that one day I can share more publicly and help other young girls and lets not forget the boyz.  This is one of the reasons I am such a big advocate for Safe Haven programs.I have dreams about places that children like Michael or their parents could go to.  I have dreams of hope, life, joy.  I have dreams now where before it was all a nightmare.  I thank God that I am able to share my story no matter what form or for how long.   Well, my brain is out of sorts so I am going to leave blogging some more for later.  I just wanted to say thank you and share a little more!  I pray for those of you that have lost a child for it is a heartache that is always with you.  I pray for you that feels alone that God can provide for  you what you need most at this time. 

Today, celebrate you!  Celebrate the life that your Creator has given you! 

High School Dropout gets MDiv now that is historic 

Always remembered Micheal 01-19-1991

My Beloved Son!

  Born & Died January 19, 1991 on a Saturday morning

I will love you always, Michael Anthony Cruz-Melendez …

Portrait a good friend made of what I described of Michael and a picture of my nephew that looks a lot like him.  I will always remember Donna G. for giving me this! I love you!

It was not too long ago that I began a scrapbook for the love and loss of my son.  This is the dedication that is the scrapbook that maybe will be part of his book one day!

Michael,

This past year I have struggled to find ways to say good bye to you in a proper way. Finding ways for me to grieve for you in a way I never have before and I thank God for The privilege and space to do this.  Especially because I have so many people around me that care and want to help me. 

As I look ahead to my future I know now you are a part of me and always have been.  I promise you I will live a good life…A life unto our Lord Jesus Christ.  And, when mommy

Has children I promise I will be the best mother I can be for them and in many ways for you too.. One thing is for sure I am glad that the Lord has brought me to this place in my life.  For it is helped me to appreciate you.  You have helped me in so many ways to be a better person.  I love you and as I look towards the future I know you are at peace with our Lord; in the best possible care. Thank you for being apart of my life!  Thank you Lord for the freedom and healing you have brought to me, I will continue to my story.

Love you,

Mommy

November 24, 2004

This year Michael would have been 19 years old and with all that is going on in our world I planted a tree in celebration and memory of his precious life lost:www.memorialtrees.com/

Friday morning Coffee

^{Psalm 16 1}Protect me, O God, for in you I take refuge.  ²I say to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord;   I have no good apart from you.’^*

I have a lot on my mind this morning!   This may be my last week of trigger point injections and Bladder Instilations ohhh wait no its only the 15th so no!!!!!!!   Gosh to know what I have t get up for that is hard.  To know that I have to go alone bcaous my peoples are busy.  I read a couple of things but Psam 16 is what I felt led to read because  there is no good apart from my Pappi; my heavenly Father.  I know he will not abndon or forsaken me; and I know this because my life in Christ has been a gift.  Any way there is a lot to say and a lot to do today.
I have been realizing that I have been an emotional mess more than ever!  I am emotional by being angry, sad, hurt, short tempered and even just lonely.  A good friend came over for lunch and it was so wonderful but then I got tired and felt like I had to kick her out becaue my body was so exhausted.  What kinda life is this?  Lord what would you have me to learn and how do I become more obediant?  Well, I really got to get read for the doctor so we will have to catch up later but here is hoping you all have a great day and weekend. 

But you don't look sick!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

 So, now I have to look sick!  Chronic Pain, shoot Aids, Cancer, Trauma, Abuse does not always have a sign or show on every person.  I get dressed, look cute to help my mood not to impress anybody but me.  Sometimes those days can be my worst dayz.  When will we learn that we can't judge a book my its cover.  Do you really want me to shout my  _______ hurts!!!!   Really for you whom have had to endure getting a yeast infection that is the worst and NO ONE understands but those that have had it before.  Do you really want to tell your co workers why you look so uncomfortable?  Some things are just PRIVATE!  I have choosen you my reader to share with but again I can decided how much to share.  Well, now that I am off my soap box.  I praise the Lord because I actually slept last night wich was AWESOME!  Not sleeping is not cool!  I am stressing but trying not stress; theses 40 dollar co pays and these expensive medicinces!  That I have to give thanks for something as wonderful as sleep.  Yesterday, as I took my neice and my adoptovive grandson around the sky was so beautiful it was red, purple and in a lot of beautiful colors those are the moments that I know God is showing off and am reminded He is in control!  
Well there is a lot on my mind but I am kinda tired at the moment so, look for a new blog later.  Here is hoping you have a good day.  And, let us remember that only God knows the true story of our lives and so try not to judge a book by its cover for only the Lord knows our intimate story. 

At a crossroads; my way or the Lords way!

My devotion this morning was about the confrontation of Saul and Jesus!  And, while the devotion had a lot to say I found myself thinking about this time.  This time of being sick.  Of not being reliable of everything be unsteady the way I hate it.  And, well we always have a choice; the choice I think this season is about is about submission until the Lord.  I am HIS!   Yeah, I had plans after ordination and I thought certain plans of grandeur after becoming Reverend.  But, his work is not finished with me yet. My life has been an uphill battle but I have to admit even now is better than the past because I always have a choice.  A choice to be free in his glorious presence, a choice to invest time in the things he has been putting on my heart. 
I can't say that I like being at another crossroads because that would be a lie but I admit that when the fog clears its nice to know that God is in control and loves me so.  God has provided for me in ways I cannot explain; we should never have money to buy food or meds yet it works out.  I thank God for people that have become my family that seriously obey when God leads because I don't know where we would be.  This is not the success of man but it is the success of Christ.  A life in which I never go hungry; I have a roof over my head, I am not moving from place to place we have heat, water and I have to say Thank you LORD!
No, being sick is not pretty or successful but Gods power is made perfect in all of my weaknesses and pain its crazy.  God amazes me!  God has a plan and I have no idea but I know I am the Lord's and he has a plan for my well being and in this darkness I must trust that. 
At this crossroads all I want is Jesus!  For he has given me life, given me an inheritance, a life that no is not perfect but is blessed and joyous even if others call me crazy.  I mean I think about Sunday and how the Lord woke me up sing Alleluia!  And, Gi I problems and all I made it to church and they were inspired to sing Alleluia and I can't tell you the joy that brought me.  The fact that the Pastor talked about how John the Baptist was crazy weird and Jesus was not about titles and it confirmed what I have been feeling and what I have known.  No!  I am not the Pastor, Chaplain or Reverend others expect but I am the Lords and my Father in Heaven loves me and he has my interest at heart and I trust that.  So, I will continue to do my best in pain and bad moments to choose the Lords way..................

it started out good

Hot bath, night time med routine. now i am awake with headache & my belly aches. this is beyond annoying. now I sit here with some tea hoping this restlessness will go away.  I am tired but my head hurts; I took I viccodin earlier for the cramping can't take more for the head.  Should I try a flector patch on my head see if that works.  It might be that my fat head is thinking too much.

Well, while I finish my tea let me just say that I love the preaching at St. Paul's and I really need to consider talking to the pastor.  My only concern at this point is that I want to support Angel in his last year and as he discerns his ministry. 

I feel like a zombie maybe I should not post this but what else can I do.  God knows my heart and my intentions and if it were up to me I would be reading but I can't focus enough to that and I am not in the mood for TV.  Its 4am who do you call to chat a this hour? Well, let me see what else is on this wonderful world of websites.  Check back with you when its daylight............

Sunday Morning..............

Kinda in pain this morning but its more GI stuff.  I woke up dreaming about praising the Lord this morning so I really want to go to church but I am tired.  Not sure because Angel had to take my car his poor car is frozen even thou I warmed it up.  I am not sure I can handle all the walking but maybe I will who knows! 

I actually slept well last night once I did fall asleep.  I find myself actually excited about this whole blog thing although I am stilll learning a lot!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess I will let you know later if I survive this wave of pain!  Remember your Creator! 

Could it be better to shoot me!!

Here is the deal as short as I can make it and WARNING it ain't pretty. And no sympathy this is my life and I KNOW that GOD has a plan because I believe even this is better than the way I grew up!!!! Well, I'm feeling better from my coccyx bruise which happened in my own house at 5am July 28, 2009. These stairs are the scene of the crime!
Turns out I am a hot mess and now other conditions are in a flare. Which are this Pelvic Floor dysfunction, the Painful Bladder syndrome and vulvaydnia. I am still seeing the Chiropractor 3 times a week and following all the at home treatments the doctors have told me to follow. The pelvic doctor said on Friday that things look better since the last visit. Did the only Physical Therapy insurance would allow and now am doing Bladder instilations and Trigger point injections that I don't wish on anybody. Well I have already had procedures like urodynamic testing and biopsy that happened in September. Since some of this stuff is private area stuff I am never sure how much to share even with anybody it is not a secret just my reality. So, its easier to say my belly hurts than to say my who=ha is kiling me. I been got a major physical which all leads to surgery for the Interstitial Cystitis on September 21st; they just forgot to diagnose my craziness. I really don't want to get into all the details but I am not sure about anything at the moment. I just really need to keep taking care of me; we are in a financial mess; I am trying not to let this get me too down. Seriously, DO YOU REALIZE THAT I AM 33 AND THAT RECENTLY I HAD TO WRITE DOWN THIS LIST FOR A DOCTOR? WHICH LEAVES ME FEELING LIKE I AM 80 YEARS OLD. OKAY SOME MUCH SAY TMI!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT THEN IF WE CAN’T LEARN ABOUT THIS STUFF AND I DON’T SHARE THEN WHATS THE POINT. SO, HERE IT GOES MEDICAL CONDITIONS:

• • Anxiety
• • Asthma/allergies
• • Coccygodynia or Coccydynia
• • detrusor overactivity/OAB
• • Ecezema
• • Endometriosis
• • Fibromyalgia
• • gastro esophageal reflux disease (GERD)
• • Interstitial Cystitis & Painful Bladder Syndrome
• • Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• 1. crazy constipation
• • Migraines/Headaches
• • Pelvic floor dysfunction
• • Plantar Fasciitis
• • Sacroiliac joint dysfunction
• • Uterine Fibroids
• • Vulvar vestibulitis syndrome/Vulvodynia
• • Hemorrhoids – Internal and external
• • Laryngopharyngeal something as a result of the GERD
• 1. and maybe Polycystic ovarian syndromebut they figure I got enough on my plate at the moment.
• 2. Ohh! Did I mention I have like 18 medications to take a day internal and external. No wine for me….

What keeps me going....

As a Christian I have been one completely supported by the body of Christ. A family that cared for all my needs not just spiritual needs. The body of Christ helped me with schoolwork, took me to the doctor and provided, as I needed. I truly believe Christ brought me life. It is my understanding that God saved me for a reason. At Eastern College and the Second Spanish Baptist Church that calling continued to be confirmed. Then later at Palmer Seminary and then my work as a Chaplain my call continues to be molded and shaped. Today as a daughter of God seeking his vision for my life, I am aware that I am called. I am called to share with others as my experience taught me, that my Creator wants us to be joyous. That to those God has brought hope and life to should have an education and have the life skills necessary to feel empowered. When Christ comes into our lives he empowers us; that is what the Lord did and still does with my life. I see my ministry as one that equips the body of faith, meaning spirit, soul and body. We should be able to help the community to learn to help themselves whether that means teaching them directly or pointing them to the proper resources. Christ is what has made a difference in my life. I would like to have programs like this involved with the churches I work in, that focus on equipping the body of Christ. God is calling me to bring hope to those that are without hope. To speak the heart of God to his sheep and let them know that they are children of God. The love of God is for them and God created each of us for his purpose. God wants to glorify himself in our lives and to have his love manifest in our lives daily. I desire that we all learn to intentionally live the lives that God intended for us, daily.