Well, been fighting off a cold and today could not speak which could be blessing for others. Seriously, here in Philly we are whining about the snow and inside me I am whining about my comfort level. I mean it's not that I mind people asking how are you is that I wonder do you want me to answer truthfully...............
I mean who do you tell my vagina hurts or/and itches.
Do you wanna know that I wish I could go bare some days because my underwear hurts? do I share that before or after dinner. Am I supposed to whine and complain all the time, I mean I am hear and I am gonna laugh about it or cry but I can't please everyone. Especially now as I try to figure out at 34 what the heck do I do with the rest of my life...............
How do I cope? How can I explain my fear of no bathrooms; or sitting for long periods of time.
How do I explain oh I love that you brought me wine but its acidic so I can't drink it.
No thank you I can walk by myself you rude ass because you are being a speed demon. I can't walk fast when everything below my belly button is screaming can I please get some ice, heat, drugs............
Yes, as a Christian I believe all things are possible but I tend to believe that our bodies are Gods gifts and when they scream SLOW DOWN maybe we should.
I want to just go out, have fun not talk about me; I wanna laugh of course with my poise on...............
I want to have sex that does not hurt at any point unless I want it to;-)
I want to go to the bathroom and not regret it because it hurts so much.
I want to do more but who can when I feel like all I do and feel comfy doing is laying down.
I want to be remembered but not suffocated. This is why I seek help and know I need Jesus!
I want to cope happily, without regret.................
So I share with you because who knows what your going through but it helps me to read things others write about.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sorry Buddies, I cannot get over it!!!!
I had a wonderful conversation with a lady named Elaine today....and I went home thinking...
Why am I always in a rush............. Why?
Why am I trying so hard to please others?
Why do I care so much about what others think?
Why have I been treating myself LASTLY?
Why is it so much easier to give than to receive?
Why do people expect you to just be okay when your NOT?
Why do I do these things knowing that the Lover of my soul just wants me to be happy and yet that is hard to keep in mind at times!
Why am I always in a rush............. Why?
Why am I trying so hard to please others?
Why do I care so much about what others think?
Why have I been treating myself LASTLY?
Why is it so much easier to give than to receive?
Why do people expect you to just be okay when your NOT?
Why do I do these things knowing that the Lover of my soul just wants me to be happy and yet that is hard to keep in mind at times!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Its late so this won't be long but I met someone today that finally got me, read me, and understood my wacky way. PTSD has been mentioned for like the last 3 years and I have to admit I been pushing myself to be whatever I am supposed to be but you know what I am not okay. I will be okay because I am a survivor but one things for sure I can't keep taking care of YOU! You whoever you are; I need to take care of me. I can't anymore plus I don't want to be alone! I don't want to be treated as if I want to be sick. Yeah! People can't handle when truthfully my ass hurts and today I laughed about it. Today it was as if it was a sign from God that its gonna be okay and no it is not easy but the important thing is that I remember its not my fault.
Well, I don't think I can make sense tonight because its way past my bed time and I am in a lot of pain But. I am thinking of my supportive and best brother ever who reminds me this is and always has been my theme song; love you Bro................. Survivor. by Destiny Child
(Verse 1)
Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better,
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
But I'm stronger,
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
But I'm richer,
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder,
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
Now I'm wiser,
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
But I'm smarter,
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,
Sold nine million.
[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
(Verse 2)
Thought I couldn't breathe without you,
I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without you,
Perfect vision,
You thought I couldn't last without ya,
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya,
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without ya,
But I'm on top,
Though it would be over by now,
But it won't stop,
You thought that I would self-destruct,
But I'm still here,
Even in my years to come,
I'm still gon' be here.
[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
(Bridge)
I'm wishin' you the best,
Pray that you are blessed,
Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna lie on you or your family, yo,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna hate you in the magazine,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna compromise my Christianity,
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the Internet
Cause my momma told me better than that.
[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
After all of the darkness and sadness,
Still comes happiness,
If I surround myself with positive things,
I'll gain prosperity.
[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what)(Don't stop me now)
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
Well, I don't think I can make sense tonight because its way past my bed time and I am in a lot of pain But. I am thinking of my supportive and best brother ever who reminds me this is and always has been my theme song; love you Bro................. Survivor. by Destiny Child
(Verse 1)
Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better,
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
But I'm stronger,
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
But I'm richer,
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder,
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
Now I'm wiser,
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
But I'm smarter,
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,
Sold nine million.
[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
(Verse 2)
Thought I couldn't breathe without you,
I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without you,
Perfect vision,
You thought I couldn't last without ya,
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya,
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without ya,
But I'm on top,
Though it would be over by now,
But it won't stop,
You thought that I would self-destruct,
But I'm still here,
Even in my years to come,
I'm still gon' be here.
[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
(Bridge)
I'm wishin' you the best,
Pray that you are blessed,
Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna lie on you or your family, yo,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna hate you in the magazine,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna compromise my Christianity,
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the Internet
Cause my momma told me better than that.
[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
After all of the darkness and sadness,
Still comes happiness,
If I surround myself with positive things,
I'll gain prosperity.
[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what)(Don't stop me now)
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
[Chorus]
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Dependable or what in the eyes of others....
Happy and Blessed Valentines day to all; a day to remember the importance of LOVE. Well these thoughts have been on my mind and heart. It is so hard for a caregiver like myself to not be dependable for anything.
The dictionary says that: de⋅pend⋅a⋅ble: Show Spelled Pronunciation [di-pen-duh-buhl] –adjective capable of being depended on; worthy of trust; reliable: a dependable employee.
I hate being unstable like this. I never know what each moment holds being like this; being a person of illness. Never knowing how much pain I will be in; especially if I over do it. I can't have too many things planned. People say they understand.
People say it is okay.
People expect.......
Yet, here I am in bed, in pain because I knew two events in one weekend would be too much; and to think I missed out on one. Shoot I didn't even spend time with my best friend and family for my birthday because I knew I could not do it. It took me to the last minute to admit it but, I can't be me as I used too be.
This is why I think today is even more important just to share these feeling a day in which commercially we celebrate love, as Christians we read the story of Transfiguration in preparation of this Lenten journey. Today I am thinking about a lot of things but mostly about process and the journey of change. Even this not being able to be the kind of caretaker I am used to is part of the process. God is once again teaching me a new way of doing things, a new way of living as He would want even with Chronic Illness.
It is not easy but I guess as a Christian I get ready for this Lenten season I must remember that it only matters what my Creator thinks of the choices I make. Am I being faithful to my time with him? Am I being dependable in my duty to feed my spirit? Well, this is what I am chewing on and what I will be praying about this Lenten season is my Father in Heaven pleased with me!!!!! Much love to all continue this journey..........
The dictionary says that: de⋅pend⋅a⋅ble: Show Spelled Pronunciation [di-pen-duh-buhl] –adjective capable of being depended on; worthy of trust; reliable: a dependable employee.
I hate being unstable like this. I never know what each moment holds being like this; being a person of illness. Never knowing how much pain I will be in; especially if I over do it. I can't have too many things planned. People say they understand.
People say it is okay.
People expect.......
Yet, here I am in bed, in pain because I knew two events in one weekend would be too much; and to think I missed out on one. Shoot I didn't even spend time with my best friend and family for my birthday because I knew I could not do it. It took me to the last minute to admit it but, I can't be me as I used too be.
This is why I think today is even more important just to share these feeling a day in which commercially we celebrate love, as Christians we read the story of Transfiguration in preparation of this Lenten journey. Today I am thinking about a lot of things but mostly about process and the journey of change. Even this not being able to be the kind of caretaker I am used to is part of the process. God is once again teaching me a new way of doing things, a new way of living as He would want even with Chronic Illness.
It is not easy but I guess as a Christian I get ready for this Lenten season I must remember that it only matters what my Creator thinks of the choices I make. Am I being faithful to my time with him? Am I being dependable in my duty to feed my spirit? Well, this is what I am chewing on and what I will be praying about this Lenten season is my Father in Heaven pleased with me!!!!! Much love to all continue this journey..........
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Today is my Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Birthday to me! This may sound boastful but all glory and honor to him who has formed and created me: Jeremiah 1:5-10 NIV
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Ah, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.”
But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “Now, I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”
I truly believe my life is a miracle. God only knows where I would be had I not been saved by the Lord. I am alive! My biggest dream before Christ was to live to my 18th birthday well today I am proudly 34 years old!!!!!!!!!!!! My life has not been easy but I don't have to be alone. Christ has given me a famiy one that is of friends, family, and the Body of Christ. I just thank God that even as I lie here not feeling to great; I know it can only get better because all of my life has gotten better. Maybe its that the Lord is the Joy of my Salvation and my Strength in my weakest hour. That in the darkest moments I experience even glimpses of his life and light. I thank the Lord I am here! I thank the Lord I am remembered! I thank the Lord for my life! Well, I could say a lot like I normally due but today I am just grateful and enjoying that peace, joy and his LOVE FOR ME...................
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Ah, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.”
But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “Now, I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”
I truly believe my life is a miracle. God only knows where I would be had I not been saved by the Lord. I am alive! My biggest dream before Christ was to live to my 18th birthday well today I am proudly 34 years old!!!!!!!!!!!! My life has not been easy but I don't have to be alone. Christ has given me a famiy one that is of friends, family, and the Body of Christ. I just thank God that even as I lie here not feeling to great; I know it can only get better because all of my life has gotten better. Maybe its that the Lord is the Joy of my Salvation and my Strength in my weakest hour. That in the darkest moments I experience even glimpses of his life and light. I thank the Lord I am here! I thank the Lord I am remembered! I thank the Lord for my life! Well, I could say a lot like I normally due but today I am just grateful and enjoying that peace, joy and his LOVE FOR ME...................
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I Can't give up now: How to survive in this economy but yet get better..........
Well, Mary, Mary said it best I can't give up now and God help me I won't I just need guidance...
"Can't Give Up Now"
There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.
I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
NOBODY told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me
Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I would't fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And i feel all hope is gone,
I'll just lift my head up to the sky
and say help me to be strong
I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me
(HOOK)
No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me(so I can't)
I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
NOBODY told me the road would be easy and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me
I thank God for the littlest blessings reimbursment checks even of fifty bucks, or coupons that helped keep grocercies under the amount you needed. But then I have to deal with oweing money to school loans, a car that I need but not that bad, medical bills, etc, etc. I find myself a few days before my 34 birthday waiting to hear from disability I mean what choice do I have..............................
I appreciate that maybe I can write, maybe I can preach, maybe baby. But we owe so much money and our biggest concern is not fancy stuff but paying for gas, food, my medical stuff and we have insurance and yet we gotta plan co pays and all that.
I guess being snowed in has me wondering what now. I know I can survive this; I know God has a plan but shopping at the dollar store for pads is not what I wanna do long term. We are all doing bad and scared about the future.
For me I hate the feeling of insecurity, no stability, things being so unpredictable even with my own body. For me a high school drop out turned Rev. Yana Pagan aka Chaplain do I just give up NO WAY............
I guess all I am saying its easier to remember the bad moments than it is the beautiful ones. I guess that is why scripture talks about focusing our eyes on the prize and PRESSING ON!
"Can't Give Up Now"
There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.
I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
NOBODY told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me
Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I would't fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And i feel all hope is gone,
I'll just lift my head up to the sky
and say help me to be strong
I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me
(HOOK)
No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me(so I can't)
I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
NOBODY told me the road would be easy and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me
I thank God for the littlest blessings reimbursment checks even of fifty bucks, or coupons that helped keep grocercies under the amount you needed. But then I have to deal with oweing money to school loans, a car that I need but not that bad, medical bills, etc, etc. I find myself a few days before my 34 birthday waiting to hear from disability I mean what choice do I have..............................
I appreciate that maybe I can write, maybe I can preach, maybe baby. But we owe so much money and our biggest concern is not fancy stuff but paying for gas, food, my medical stuff and we have insurance and yet we gotta plan co pays and all that.
I guess being snowed in has me wondering what now. I know I can survive this; I know God has a plan but shopping at the dollar store for pads is not what I wanna do long term. We are all doing bad and scared about the future.
For me I hate the feeling of insecurity, no stability, things being so unpredictable even with my own body. For me a high school drop out turned Rev. Yana Pagan aka Chaplain do I just give up NO WAY............
I guess all I am saying its easier to remember the bad moments than it is the beautiful ones. I guess that is why scripture talks about focusing our eyes on the prize and PRESSING ON!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Warning this a dream about Rape.................
OH MY God I had the worst dream........................
I have never been a victim of rape! I was abused repeatedly as a child but to my recall not actual rape. From what I know from friends who have been you don't forget that....Although the loss of innocence sure sounds like rape to me and that I have experienced.
So this morning at like 4am while there is this blizzard going on I am in so much pain I can feel it which only made the dream worse.
I can't really remember it all or its proper order. There was a lot of black cars, people and just darkness. Inclosed rooms or waiting areas, cops, my peeps the Pagan family, confussion, pain, fear, crying.
As I think about this now 3 hours later this has a lot to do with how I have been feeling about everyting. I have no control. I have to wait. I have to figure this all out. I am learning about me about who are my friends. Who can I count on????
I give and give and give!
I obey the rules
I have bad days too!
I please everyone.
Who the heck told you I had the answers?!
What about when I am hurting?
Who can I count on to stand by me in it all?
Is it my fault you can't handle my complication?
I hate rules but I realize they exist so we can all function it some order................... Well, this is why I am in therapy because I got a lot of shit on my mind and heart. And the Lord is with me and has a purpose for my life but he also wants me to be whole and healed.
Here are some lyrics kinda to express what I am thinking at the moment..........
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
.........These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Alicia Keys next two songs......
Nobody Not Really lyrics
Oooh...
Who really cares?(2x)
When I talk
What I feel
What I say...
Nobody Not Really.
Who wants to take, The time to understand?
I would like, someone to heal me wit some empathy
I can't find...Nobody Not Really.
Maybe I'm invisible, to the world.
Does anyone in the world, even think of me?
As more than just a hopeless cause?
Maybe the world is,not my block.
My stoop.
My life.
My dreams.
My anything.
Anything...
Who wants to help?
Mama...but she's so tired
Papa...but your not here
I'm alone in a big empty space with...
Nobody Not Really.
Oooh...
I have never been a victim of rape! I was abused repeatedly as a child but to my recall not actual rape. From what I know from friends who have been you don't forget that....Although the loss of innocence sure sounds like rape to me and that I have experienced.
So this morning at like 4am while there is this blizzard going on I am in so much pain I can feel it which only made the dream worse.
I can't really remember it all or its proper order. There was a lot of black cars, people and just darkness. Inclosed rooms or waiting areas, cops, my peeps the Pagan family, confussion, pain, fear, crying.
- The this is all in my head.
- Susa and I chasing a lead to search for answers but also because the law was dragging there feet.
- I think the idea of those that were there for me and those that weren't.
- The room I had to wait in, that it happened in, that I was questioned in... 5 by 5 cold room
- Darkness all around, even people and cars.
- The only thing bright were my friends especially my sis Susa which was good and weird all at the same time.
- Angel well I was waiting for him.
- Confusion between known and unknown. and also what happened at home and somewhere else.
- People talking about me; the threat of danger looming.
- It hurt.....................emotionally and physically thats why I woke up pissed needing chocolate.
I give and give and give!
I obey the rules
I have bad days too!
I please everyone.
Who the heck told you I had the answers?!
What about when I am hurting?
Who can I count on to stand by me in it all?
Is it my fault you can't handle my complication?
I hate rules but I realize they exist so we can all function it some order................... Well, this is why I am in therapy because I got a lot of shit on my mind and heart. And the Lord is with me and has a purpose for my life but he also wants me to be whole and healed.
Here are some lyrics kinda to express what I am thinking at the moment..........
My Immortal lyrics...Songwriters: Hodges, David; Lee, Amy; Moody, Ben;
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leaveYour presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
.........These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Alicia Keys next two songs......
Nobody Not Really lyrics
Oooh...
Who really cares?(2x)
When I talk
What I feel
What I say...
Nobody Not Really.
Who wants to take, The time to understand?
I would like, someone to heal me wit some empathy
I can't find...Nobody Not Really.
Maybe I'm invisible, to the world.
Does anyone in the world, even think of me?
As more than just a hopeless cause?
Maybe the world is,not my block.
My stoop.
My life.
My dreams.
My anything.
Anything...
Who wants to help?
Mama...but she's so tired
Papa...but your not here
I'm alone in a big empty space with...
Nobody Not Really.
Oooh...
Fight lyrics
Hey....................Where's your faith for Jesus
Um hmm 4x
You think I don't understand
You think your baby don't know what's goin' on
How come everyone keeps telling me what my own two eyes should see
Where's your faith in me?
I still got love for you
And I'm still gonna pray for you
And still got hope for you
And I'm still gonna make my move
I don't care what they say to you
Still got a thing to do
Fight is all I knew
So what am I supposed to do
As I'm willing to fight, fight for you
(Fight)
Didn't come all this way, just to lose
Didn't give you my heart so you could break it
We're gonna make it
Even if I have to fight for you
Um hmm
(Huh)
Say um hmm
(Huh)
Um hmm
(Huh)
Umm
Freedom is a basic right
(Basic right)
You can't take what's mine
(Take what's mine)
I won't let nobody hold me down
Gotta fight
Gotta keep my dignity
(Hey)
Gotta do what I believe
Can't you stand up to them, take a stand
(Hey)
I still got love for you
And I'm still gonna pray for you
And still got hope for you
And I'm still gonna make my move
I don't care what they say to you
Still got a thing to do
Fight is all I knew
So what am I supposed to do
As I'm willing to fight, fight for you
(Fight)
Didn't come all this way, just to lose
Didn't give you my heart so you could break it
We're gonna make it
Even if I have to fight for you
As I'm willing to fight, fight for you
(Fight)
Didn't come all this way, just to lose
Didn't give you my heart so you could break it
We're gonna make it
Even if I have to fight for you
Oh, 'cuz I will if I have to
If I have to I will
You know I will if I have to
If I have to I will
You know I will if I have to
If I have to I will
Oh, I'm not gonna stand here watchin'
Stand here and watch
You turn your back on me
Said, I'll fight for you baby
Ooh ho
Oh ho
Oh hmm
Hey....................Where's your faith for Jesus
Um hmm 4x
You think I don't understand
You think your baby don't know what's goin' on
How come everyone keeps telling me what my own two eyes should see
Where's your faith in me?
I still got love for you
And I'm still gonna pray for you
And still got hope for you
And I'm still gonna make my move
I don't care what they say to you
Still got a thing to do
Fight is all I knew
So what am I supposed to do
As I'm willing to fight, fight for you
(Fight)
Didn't come all this way, just to lose
Didn't give you my heart so you could break it
We're gonna make it
Even if I have to fight for you
Um hmm
(Huh)
Say um hmm
(Huh)
Um hmm
(Huh)
Umm
Freedom is a basic right
(Basic right)
You can't take what's mine
(Take what's mine)
I won't let nobody hold me down
Gotta fight
Gotta keep my dignity
(Hey)
Gotta do what I believe
Can't you stand up to them, take a stand
(Hey)
I still got love for you
And I'm still gonna pray for you
And still got hope for you
And I'm still gonna make my move
I don't care what they say to you
Still got a thing to do
Fight is all I knew
So what am I supposed to do
As I'm willing to fight, fight for you
(Fight)
Didn't come all this way, just to lose
Didn't give you my heart so you could break it
We're gonna make it
Even if I have to fight for you
As I'm willing to fight, fight for you
(Fight)
Didn't come all this way, just to lose
Didn't give you my heart so you could break it
We're gonna make it
Even if I have to fight for you
Oh, 'cuz I will if I have to
If I have to I will
You know I will if I have to
If I have to I will
You know I will if I have to
If I have to I will
Oh, I'm not gonna stand here watchin'
Stand here and watch
You turn your back on me
Said, I'll fight for you baby
Ooh ho
Oh ho
Oh hmm
No Chocolate and mad.........................
Okay I am really pissed, not even sure it makes sense to anyone else but those of us that suffer with IC, IBS, and other chronic ailments. So we got this blizzaard thingy going on. I just had a horrible dream in which not only woke me up be left me wanting chocolate. Shouldn't be a bad thing right?!!!!!!!!! For the normal person but since it is one of the things I need to avoid all I have is Carob stuff that just aint doing it after that nightmare. You know I really have not in my own opinion complained; I keep my cool about my restrictions. While some can't eat certain food like maybe pork, or fried food I have many restrictions but no chocolate; I can almost taste it..............
Hot chocolate is not it I want chocolate!
Not even a drink after a dream of being raped' chocolate! I just have to have everything in moderation or I will suffer consequences for my choices. Crap I ain't asking to get drunk. My life has it gotten better or worse. Do I post about this dream because it was scary and vivid but I think has more to do with other things and really don't want to hear somebodies BS about God and dreams. I am not certain this was of God this just has to do with my physical and emotional state.
Why what a rant all because I want some f;;;;;;;;;;;;;; chocolate! God help me I definately have a problem:-x
Friday, February 5, 2010
Rest........................
Rest a word I have studied, struggled, taught and preached on and still I need to learn. Not the what is it of it all but how to live it in my life. Especially the resting in my Creators' care. It is not easy, in pain, tired, restlessness, living and oh my being relationship.
I am not sure I have no words today or at the moment....................... This is what I have remind myself today an oldie but a goodie for me from Yolanda Adams and it is remembering that I need to REST in him! Everything my finances, my loved ones, my health, my now, later and my tomorrow, he cares!!!! I need to praise him even if its crying! For in HIM things will be different not because of me but because he is faithful.
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/y/yolanda+adams/the+battle+is+the+lords_20148822.html
I am not sure I have no words today or at the moment....................... This is what I have remind myself today an oldie but a goodie for me from Yolanda Adams and it is remembering that I need to REST in him! Everything my finances, my loved ones, my health, my now, later and my tomorrow, he cares!!!! I need to praise him even if its crying! For in HIM things will be different not because of me but because he is faithful.
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/y/yolanda+adams/the+battle+is+the+lords_20148822.html
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Weirdest looking herd.............
Weirdest looking herd quote from ICE AGE:
"Manny, Manny, Manny, you OK? Come on, come on, say something. Anything. What? What? I can't hear you.
You're standing on my trunk.
- You're OK. You're OK. - Why did you do that?
You could have died, trying to save me.
That's what you do in a herd.
You look out for each other.
Well, thanks.
I don't know about you guys, but we are the weirdest herd I've ever seen."A lot has happened in recent dayz and since I have been emotional any way I keep thinking about family and friends. My only family that on both sides is supposed to be huge yet I have never known for reasons I will never understand. But ever since I have become a Christian the church has become a family to me.... Even the family I left behind in da Bronx they are still my church family. Once Angel and I got married now 10 years ago we have always made it a point to say we are a family the two of us; and even when we realized that would be our fate it did not change that we are a family. A family that seems to pick up strays like us along the way. Angel and I seem to like the idea that God uses us to bless others as the Lord has blessed us. Especially since we have been out here in Philadelphia we see how God has given us some diamonds in the rough that are precious to us so very precious.
We are adoptive grandparents to some 5 wonderful kids but especially the boyz we spend so much time with; that bring such joy to our hearts. Their parents and real abuelita let us in to that family and it was that love that made us a herd. I always say we don't always like each other but we do love each other. It is hard because we all go through changes, teens become adults, children become parents and life goes on.
Being in Chronic pain and dealing with life; the hardest for me has been being medicated, in pain and having the worst of it come my way but still trying to remind each of them no matter how much it hurts that I love them because they are my family.
One of my favorite websites for quotes http://thinkexist.com/quotes/like/family_means_too_much-friends_are_too_valuable/327803/
“Family means too much, Friends are too valuable, And life is too short, To put-off sharing with people, How much they really mean to you, And pursuing whatever it is that makes you happy.”
“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves”
I believe it is so true! Even my brother Anthony who is my blood would agree that we have made a family not as our families would expect but how God intended. I know I can't always be perfect but I try to lean on the Love of the Lord to keep me going. I realized that the more I love, the more I trust the more vulnerable I become but I am not going to stop loving now because of my past. I feel that I will miss out on so much. Plus, I want to be the Woman of God, God desires me to be, to be the Noble woman of Proverbs 31 not just for me but for my family. No matter how difficult we are to explain, no matter what storms we go through I can only pray we come out stronger and wiser on the other side of things.
So on my worst days and on my best dayz to my herd that remains steady and those that come and go here is to you my Bruno's, Rhodes, Rodriguez Clan, Robinsons, Anthony & his tribe, my Pagan familia, Devos, Arroyo's, Rivera's y Montes and to my Sistah's who ride with me for life and those that have come when was most needed to you I say thank you for life is short and none of us can do it alone. THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE FOR I WOULD NOT BE THE WOMAN I AM TODAY WITHOUT YOUR PRAYERS AND ENCOURAGEMENT. TOGETHER HAS MADE A DIFFERENCE.......................Thank you God for my herd!
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