Warning this a dream about Rape.................

OH MY God I had the worst dream........................
I have never been a victim of rape!  I was abused repeatedly as a child but to my recall not actual rape.  From what I know from friends who have been you don't forget that....Although the loss of innocence sure sounds like rape to me and that I have experienced.
So this morning at like 4am while there is this blizzard going on I am in so much pain I can feel it which only made the dream worse.
I can't really remember it all or its proper order.  There was a lot of black cars, people and just darkness.  Inclosed rooms or waiting areas, cops, my peeps the Pagan family, confussion, pain, fear, crying.

 

• The this is all in my head.  
• Susa and I chasing a lead  to search for answers but also because the law was dragging there feet.
• I think the idea of those that were there for me and those that weren't.  
• The room I had to wait in, that it happened in, that I was questioned in... 5 by 5 cold room
• Darkness all around, even people and cars.  
• The only thing bright were my friends especially my sis Susa which was good and weird all at the same time.  
• Angel well I was waiting for him.
• Confusion between known and unknown.  and also what happened at home and somewhere else.  
• People talking about me; the threat of danger looming.
• It hurt.....................emotionally and physically thats why I woke up pissed needing chocolate. 

As I think about this now 3 hours later this has  a lot to do with how I have been feeling about everyting.  I have no control.  I have to wait.  I have to  figure this all out.  I am learning about me about who are my friends.  Who can I count on????

I give and give and give!
I obey the rules
I have bad days too! 
I please everyone.
Who the heck told you I had the answers?!
                          What about when I am hurting?
                           Who can I count on to stand by me in it all?
                           Is it my fault you can't handle my complication?
                           I hate rules but I realize they exist so we can all function it some order................... Well, this is why I am in therapy because I got a lot of shit on my mind and heart.  And the Lord is with me and has a purpose for my life but he also wants me to be whole and healed. 
Here are some lyrics kinda to express what I am thinking at the moment..........

My Immortal lyrics...Songwriters: Hodges, David; Lee, Amy; Moody, Ben; 

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
.........These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Alicia Keys next two songs......

Nobody Not Really lyrics
Oooh...
Who really cares?(2x)
When I talk
What I feel
What I say...
Nobody Not Really.

Who wants to take, The time to understand?
I would like, someone to heal me wit some empathy
I can't find...Nobody Not Really.

Maybe I'm invisible, to the world.
Does anyone in the world, even think of me?
As more than just a hopeless cause?
Maybe the world is,not my block.
My stoop.
My life.
My dreams.
My anything.
Anything...
Who wants to help?
Mama...but she's so tired
Papa...but your not here
I'm alone in a big empty space with...
Nobody Not Really.
Oooh...

Fight lyrics
Hey....................Where's your faith for Jesus

Um hmm 4x
You think I don't understand
You think your baby don't know what's goin' on
How come everyone keeps telling me what my own two eyes should see
Where's your faith in me?
I still got love for you
And I'm still gonna pray for you
And still got hope for you
And I'm still gonna make my move
I don't care what they say to you
Still got a thing to do
Fight is all I knew
So what am I supposed to do
As I'm willing to fight, fight for you
(Fight)
Didn't come all this way, just to lose
Didn't give you my heart so you could break it
We're gonna make it
Even if I have to fight for you
Um hmm
(Huh)
Say um hmm
(Huh)
Um hmm
(Huh)
Umm
Freedom is a basic right
(Basic right)
You can't take what's mine
(Take what's mine)
I won't let nobody hold me down
Gotta fight
Gotta keep my dignity
(Hey)
Gotta do what I believe
Can't you stand up to them, take a stand
(Hey)
I still got love for you
And I'm still gonna pray for you
And still got hope for you
And I'm still gonna make my move
I don't care what they say to you
Still got a thing to do
Fight is all I knew
So what am I supposed to do
As I'm willing to fight, fight for you
(Fight)
Didn't come all this way, just to lose
Didn't give you my heart so you could break it
We're gonna make it
Even if I have to fight for you
As I'm willing to fight, fight for you
(Fight)
Didn't come all this way, just to lose
Didn't give you my heart so you could break it
We're gonna make it
Even if I have to fight for you
Oh, 'cuz I will if I have to
If I have to I will
You know I will if I have to
If I have to I will
You know I will if I have to
If I have to I will
Oh, I'm not gonna stand here watchin'
Stand here and watch
You turn your back on me
Said, I'll fight for you baby
Ooh ho
Oh ho
Oh hmm