Baptismal waters.....19 years today as a Baptist but also as Baby

Today 19 years ago I entered the Baptismal waters where I was worried they would drown me because my sins were many.  But I realize that it is a process that was my public declaration to God of my love for him because so much had happened that I needed that reminder as 16 year old adult that I was.  I mean it was a romantic idea that I could be a new creation in Christ and start again.  God brought me to a Baptist church but I never denied my Catholic up-bringing becasue there I learned reverence.  But in these last few days as I have conversations with many wonderful catholic people I think this society makes Catholics feel like that is not legit.  It is in my book.  Gosh do I remember my first communion and I still hold on to that invitation that Christ made to me to partake in this blessed sacrament.  I guess what I am saying is we all need a moment like a wedding, baptism, graduation a post mark of an achievement.  But the important thing for me even 19 years later is that I am a daughter of God and that DAILY I SEEK TO HAVE A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP.  Because guess what I am a sinner saved by grace.  I am in need of God and his GRACE is sufficient for me and all of us who seek him!  So seek your God and dare to find faith, hope and love!!!! 

Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You - YouTube

Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You - YouTube:

'via Blog this'

A letter to those who have left an imprint, named and unnamed....

October 2011

Dearest Friend,

May the Lord be with you as you read this letter.  May this find you in good health and those you care for as well.  It has been on my heart for some time to sit down and write kind of a newsletter about my life these last few years but also an apology in some ways because I realize to some I fell off the map.  To some of you more than others but the reasons are many and while I may not mention them all, I feel that I am being obedient to let you know you are not forgotten. 

Let me start with the present because it may be easier to say I am Professor Pagan over at Esperanza College of Eastern University.  It’s amazing, teaching Justice in a Pluralistic Society; after all I was a high school drop-out when I started this journey.   It is an adjunct position and there are not always guarantees to when I will teach but wow what an experience and honor.  I feel like it is my new challenge in ministry because we live in a world of many injustices but God calls us to love, kindness and Justice.  I would love to keep telling you stories about this chapter because it is amazing.  I get invited to preach every so often which is awesome because that is another passion.  Recently I have been asked to do a few weddings which is different but good to keep me busy.  This brings me to share that some of you are not aware that I fractured my tailbone July 28, 2009 in my own house what a PAIN in every way.  It has changed things for me in so many ways, I lost almost 30 pounds and gained some back as I have had to change my diet and deal with some real disabling realities.  No, full-time work although I have tried but that leaves me to be a full-time wife which is a treat because I set my own schedule and am able to explore some new opportunities.   

That brings me to Angel and I, we just celebrated our 12^th wedding anniversary, and we are doing good thank God.  We are learning once again what it means to be a couple again because we really hit some ugly wounds for awhile when in August of 2006 we learned we cannot have children of our own.  What a dessert, cave valley experience and friends infertility is no joke.  It affects the individual, the marriage, the extended family and friendships but Angel and I are church sweethearts and were taught long ago God first then each other.  Our love and the mercy of God-Immanuel (with us) and to celebrate each other and maybe finally hoping we are going on a cruise to Belize in December. We are intentionally seeking a healthy, happy marriage and fumbling together in loveJ  what more can I say.  I know some have asked about adoption and all that we have talked about it but we need some time just for us and in the meanwhile we give our love; to our nieces, nephews, god-children and adopted grandchildren which especially means Jaden who is now five and in kindergarten.  

We actually had our beautiful and eldest niece Shania stay with us for the first time and we can’t wait for her to come back.  We had our eldest nephew Anthony Ray have a beautiful baby girl Gianna Serenity just like her mom.  Our other nephew Noah extended his few weeks stay to a month which was great especially since he got to participate in Yes and Camp!  Angel’s baby sister Lidia Nelly had a baby boy now in July and he sure is a cutie and we just came from his church dedication.  As I mention family that has been a trial in itself both of our sides have been dealing with illness.  My brothers’ son Luke just got diagnosed with something called PCD and my handsome seven year old nephew has to wear a vest thing that is going to hopefully prevent him from getting so many lung infections.   My Abuela that raised me has been battling cancer and it has been a battle in so many ways for all of us.  Keep our families in prayer, please God knows the details. 

I think that is why many of you feel that I dropped off the map because I have been dealing with such heavy grief, loss, illness and it has felt like it has come from every direction.  The only thing I knew to do was to seek the Lord in the valley of despair I found myself in.  After being ordained by my Upper Merion Baptist Church family and thinking that it was time to begin my ministry.  Financial issues hit, ministry questions arose and then soon after I seriously injured myself and couldn’t even sit.  But I believe that while there still will be battles the Spirit of the Lord is upon me.  Which is why I write this letter in testimony of my God and Savior who is with me in every storm and sometimes we need to seek solitude away from the crowds.  It is nothing personal Jesus did it too!  I am getting things in more of a balance than they have been in a long time.  And I thank God for every storm, every mountain, in the words of the song by the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir…I got so much to thank God for…For every mountain You've brought me over. For every trial You've seen me through. For every blessing, hallelujah; for this I give You praise.

And I thank God for you!  I thank God for La Iglesia Bautista de Soundview, For Eastern College, For Palmer Seminary, For Central Baptist Wayne, For Oxford Presbyterian, For the ministry of being a student Chaplain and then later a Chaplain at Jefferson Hospital, For Upper Merion Baptist Church, For Calvary Baptist of Norristown, For La Segunda Igelisa Bautisa de Philadelphia and for every person that dared to journey with me… I thank God for the countless women that have dared to go before me and for all the men that have supported me.  I thank God for each of these churches, relationships, for making me a Baptist even as I seek to follow Christ in a personal way.  I thank God because I would not be woman I am today had it not been for my path crossing yours, so whether you are mentioned or not believe me I thank God for the Henderson family, for the Brinson’s, the Maness, Munsons, Hurst, the Bruno’s, the Rhodes, Arroyo’s, For the Rodriguez Clan, the Montes-Rivera familia, for the Castaneda’s and so many strong women and men that helped me.  The many pastors, professors and servants of the Lord from whose Model I have learned. For My Abuelita and my Titi Mami, For mami & papi Pagan, for Rev. Dr. Loida Martell-Otero, For my first Pastor Rafael Martell and all those practical stories, for Rev. Dr. Elizabeth Conde-Frazier, Rev. Mindy Baez, For sisters Flora, Rafella, Maria, Fela, Arline, Evelyn, Eleanor, Nerida, Maria Cruz, Martha, Mayra, Sheri, Carol, Gretchen, Helen, Mary, Dawn, Ana, gosh so many women of the churches who shared their stories with me.  For Rev. Adlin Quiles, for Esther, for my boyz, for my Susa, my brothers and so many whom God has used to remind I am not alone!  Thank you!  Thank you for sharing your life story with me and I am sorry if in any way in this time frame of the last let’s say five years I hurt you in any way.  I am still a work in progress!  Striving to become a woman daily after my Lords’ heart and will always be grateful for the imprint you have left in my heart…….

Sincerely y con much carino,  Yana, Yaya or Rev. Professor, Mrs.  Your sister in ChristJ

Songs helping me in this moment as I remember I am!!!!!

My heart is so heavy today.  No one but my God can fully understand the broken feeling I am experiencing I had to write because as I listen to a particular playlist just to stay in the moment.  I have to process this because I been kinda stuck today is the first time in months I cried.  You see I think we have all become so busy its easy to ignore the pain, grief and those dark places of life.  It is these places that God wants to bring healing but.....
I think sometimes its just easier be angry because feeling rejected is not nice.  But Well I have to admit it may seem like I am coming out of left field but I am not really willing to go into details but this is what I will say life sucks at times!  Thats' the thing it doesn't always have to be that way.  I know it gets rough and sometimes things seem hopeless and you may question why am I even alive but as Pink would say your F--Perfect. I am not trying  to encourage more self absorption that has left me to where I am right now but what I am trying to say is that stuff with family and any relationship is complicated and as we try to "clean out our closet" we have to stop worrying who we hurt when we finally tell our story.  After all it is my story and I can't please everyone, nor can i be PC all the time have you met me, I am me not YOU!   Kelly Clarkson says Because of you she realizes she reacts to current relationships because of her upbring in that song.  And that is the thing we need to figure out why do we think what we think.  We need to ask the questions, even if those questions are about our belief in God.  Our past really develops our present but it ain't going to determine my future..... NO WAY JOSE!!!!  A phrase I would say as a kid, but still hold true God loves me, God has a plan for me.  
Healing is a process.... 
Life is a process.....
Sometimes we are not okay and that is when one person can make the world of a difference.  And, I and maybe you need to learn to stay away from people and things that are toxic to becoming whom we dream of being.  God you know I want to make you proud because in you I am woman loved, fearfully, wonderfully made and you got me Lord so thank you!!! 

So much has happened in the last two years alone but I found this collage and thought I would start with pictures as I get the courage to write the rest.

Another digital collage by Smilebox