Last day...................

Sharing this is the hard part but..........

Today was hopefully the last one but the Bladder Instillation is actually the okay part.  In technical terms: "Also called bladder wash or bath, bladder instillation may help relieve inflammation or repair the bladder's protective lining. During this treatment, the bladder is filled with medications using a slender tube called a catheter. One or more types of medication may be used. The medication is held inside the bladder for a period of time (usually from 15 to 30 minutes). Then the medication is urinated out or drained from the bladder through the catheter. Instillation treatments are often repeated several times over a period of two to three months. " from gastro.org

The part I am happy is over is the injections because they are put right into the spasms and problem areas which I swear some Fridays feels like everywhere. So not to gross everyone just take a look at the nerves in the PFD and you will get the idea. 

I realize that all the is stuff has also made me more vunerable and sometimes angry than I have been in awhile.  How do  I really talk about that I feel like my sensitiviity is out the window because who but the LORD IS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND ME.  and of course God gets me but its a lot; so my next appointment is March 1st and I pray that it cna just stay like that because the pain is just too much and this better make things better. 

In a Process of recovery on Gods' time.

Sometimes I think we just need to take time to process things.  I have a strong belief in my Savior but I am not the one in control.  Yesterday,  At St. Paul's Baptist Church,  Rev. Leslie Callahan confirmed that restlessness in my Spirit that I am not the one in control.  That yes I have continue to Press on, to Trust in the Lord to wait because although this injury happened on July 28, 2009 it is healing past wounds which I didn't even realize needed healing and so for me this means I am in a Process of recovery.
According to Wikipedia which was accessed {en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recovery } this morning states that RECOVERY is:  

Healing is the act or process of curing or of restoring to health.[1] Assessed physically, healing is the process by which the cells in the body regenerate and repair to reduce the size of a damaged or necrotic area. Healing incorporates both the removal of necrotic tissue (demolition), and the replacement of this tissue.The replacement can happen in two ways: [1]by regeneration: the necrotic cells are replaced by the same tissue as was originally there.[2] by repair: injured tissue is replaced with scar tissue.

Of course we all walk away with the message that we need to hear but I believe the message was clear and realistic for me.  IThere are things that need to replaced, repaired and some things removed for Gods' will to be done.  My thoughts this week and especially after church brought to mine the Psalm of these last 6 months and maybe my personal Christian walk.  Which is: Psalm 30:1-5 New Revised Standard Version

I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up, and did not let my foes rejoice over me. O LORD my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. O LORD, you brought up my soul from Sheol, restored me to life from among those gone down to the Pit. Sing praises to the LORD, O you his faithful ones, and give thanks to his holy name. For his anger is but for a moment; his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

My reality, the truth for me is......I feel the pressure of society, my success within my  demonination, pressures in our marriage especially financially, etc... because of my own injury and current state of health.  I was foolish enough to think that I was done once I  finished seminary and becameReverend Yana Janiese Pagan.  Then I got this great job with this awesome company and after two months after my fractured coccyx; I realized I could not for health reasons continue with them.  It is hard because in a few weeks I will be 34 and I thought I should have it all figured out but if life is a process.  So why should I be discouraged, why should the Shadows come when Jesus is my portion and constan friend and I should always be in process of transfomation.  One thing I am learning in a new and different way is that I cannot do it alone; and I knew this but at the moment I am learning it in a different way.  Because especially dealing with Chronic pain and personal illness it is so much easier just to be alone in it all.    I think that is where I sin because it is my belief that God created us to be in relationship.  But when your feeling your worst not everyone wants to hear or deal with our realities.  And, as a pastor people have expections that I cannot humanly fulfill. 

We are all living in a time where we need to remember that weeping may linger for the night but JOY does come in the morning.  For me it is also moments like this when I surrender to the process and trust that God wants the best for me.  Yeah, I am tired from the journey.  Yes, it feels like suffering and struggling again!  Yet, I know in whom I believe and who I am in my Creator.  And, the Lord ain't finished with this shorty any time soon.  Because I know that my life is a miracle, a living testimony.... I am not a statistic, I am no longer a high school drop out, I am not dead and I have greater dreams than living to see my eighteenth birthday. 

This process even with this illness is in Gods' care and he is in control and I would not change a thing but wish that I wouldn't always be so stubborn.  Surrendering to God's timing and will is much easier than my way.  Espcially on my gloomy days.  But again God is not finished with me yet and it is a process; no Drive thru here!!!!!  

So to you that I share my intimate thoughts with be encouraged because we are strong; we will survive and if we lean on God he will be Faithful even when we are NOT.  The Joy of the Lord is OUR STRENGTH!!!!

Morning after!

Well,  I did not sleep because this week is always hard and whether before or after since the opening of this wound I dream weird dreams. Dreams that I know in some way it is me trying to piece things together, explain, but it is in these moments where I MUST seek the Prince of Peace and Trust that I am his and he will calm my storm.  

God I thank you for many things.  I thank you for the family of Christ you have given me, the people you have put in my path along this journey and just for your promise that you would never leave or forsake me.  

It is interesting the emails, text and calls I have gotten.  Not just in regards to my blog but also to my post about my son Michael.  It is weird to be so open about it but for more details you will just have to wait for the book.  As a Christian my son Michael has not been a secret to me or to those that I shared him with.  It is hard to be the one to tell the story especially knowing that people talk and perceptions are usually wrong.  I was 14 years old, got pregnant my first time, carried to term and then lost my son in the most traumatic of ways.  A lot of what I am going through now with my health; has to do with Michael and what my body went threw but only God could have known that healing from the deepest parts were in store for me.  

It is a new day, a day of celebration.  I will always remember him and remember that my life is a miracle because medically I should not be here.  So, I do my best even in the darkest feelings to celebrate life and the life that God is allowing me to live.  I pray that one day I can share more publicly and help other young girls and lets not forget the boyz.  This is one of the reasons I am such a big advocate for Safe Haven programs.I have dreams about places that children like Michael or their parents could go to.  I have dreams of hope, life, joy.  I have dreams now where before it was all a nightmare.  I thank God that I am able to share my story no matter what form or for how long.   Well, my brain is out of sorts so I am going to leave blogging some more for later.  I just wanted to say thank you and share a little more!  I pray for those of you that have lost a child for it is a heartache that is always with you.  I pray for you that feels alone that God can provide for  you what you need most at this time. 

Today, celebrate you!  Celebrate the life that your Creator has given you! 

High School Dropout gets MDiv now that is historic 

Always remembered Micheal 01-19-1991

My Beloved Son!

  Born & Died January 19, 1991 on a Saturday morning

I will love you always, Michael Anthony Cruz-Melendez …

Portrait a good friend made of what I described of Michael and a picture of my nephew that looks a lot like him.  I will always remember Donna G. for giving me this! I love you!

It was not too long ago that I began a scrapbook for the love and loss of my son.  This is the dedication that is the scrapbook that maybe will be part of his book one day!

Michael,

This past year I have struggled to find ways to say good bye to you in a proper way. Finding ways for me to grieve for you in a way I never have before and I thank God for The privilege and space to do this.  Especially because I have so many people around me that care and want to help me. 

As I look ahead to my future I know now you are a part of me and always have been.  I promise you I will live a good life…A life unto our Lord Jesus Christ.  And, when mommy

Has children I promise I will be the best mother I can be for them and in many ways for you too.. One thing is for sure I am glad that the Lord has brought me to this place in my life.  For it is helped me to appreciate you.  You have helped me in so many ways to be a better person.  I love you and as I look towards the future I know you are at peace with our Lord; in the best possible care. Thank you for being apart of my life!  Thank you Lord for the freedom and healing you have brought to me, I will continue to my story.

Love you,

Mommy

November 24, 2004

This year Michael would have been 19 years old and with all that is going on in our world I planted a tree in celebration and memory of his precious life lost:www.memorialtrees.com/

Friday morning Coffee

^{Psalm 16 1}Protect me, O God, for in you I take refuge.  ²I say to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord;   I have no good apart from you.’^*

I have a lot on my mind this morning!   This may be my last week of trigger point injections and Bladder Instilations ohhh wait no its only the 15th so no!!!!!!!   Gosh to know what I have t get up for that is hard.  To know that I have to go alone bcaous my peoples are busy.  I read a couple of things but Psam 16 is what I felt led to read because  there is no good apart from my Pappi; my heavenly Father.  I know he will not abndon or forsaken me; and I know this because my life in Christ has been a gift.  Any way there is a lot to say and a lot to do today.
I have been realizing that I have been an emotional mess more than ever!  I am emotional by being angry, sad, hurt, short tempered and even just lonely.  A good friend came over for lunch and it was so wonderful but then I got tired and felt like I had to kick her out becaue my body was so exhausted.  What kinda life is this?  Lord what would you have me to learn and how do I become more obediant?  Well, I really got to get read for the doctor so we will have to catch up later but here is hoping you all have a great day and weekend. 

But you don't look sick!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

 So, now I have to look sick!  Chronic Pain, shoot Aids, Cancer, Trauma, Abuse does not always have a sign or show on every person.  I get dressed, look cute to help my mood not to impress anybody but me.  Sometimes those days can be my worst dayz.  When will we learn that we can't judge a book my its cover.  Do you really want me to shout my  _______ hurts!!!!   Really for you whom have had to endure getting a yeast infection that is the worst and NO ONE understands but those that have had it before.  Do you really want to tell your co workers why you look so uncomfortable?  Some things are just PRIVATE!  I have choosen you my reader to share with but again I can decided how much to share.  Well, now that I am off my soap box.  I praise the Lord because I actually slept last night wich was AWESOME!  Not sleeping is not cool!  I am stressing but trying not stress; theses 40 dollar co pays and these expensive medicinces!  That I have to give thanks for something as wonderful as sleep.  Yesterday, as I took my neice and my adoptovive grandson around the sky was so beautiful it was red, purple and in a lot of beautiful colors those are the moments that I know God is showing off and am reminded He is in control!  
Well there is a lot on my mind but I am kinda tired at the moment so, look for a new blog later.  Here is hoping you have a good day.  And, let us remember that only God knows the true story of our lives and so try not to judge a book by its cover for only the Lord knows our intimate story. 

At a crossroads; my way or the Lords way!

My devotion this morning was about the confrontation of Saul and Jesus!  And, while the devotion had a lot to say I found myself thinking about this time.  This time of being sick.  Of not being reliable of everything be unsteady the way I hate it.  And, well we always have a choice; the choice I think this season is about is about submission until the Lord.  I am HIS!   Yeah, I had plans after ordination and I thought certain plans of grandeur after becoming Reverend.  But, his work is not finished with me yet. My life has been an uphill battle but I have to admit even now is better than the past because I always have a choice.  A choice to be free in his glorious presence, a choice to invest time in the things he has been putting on my heart. 
I can't say that I like being at another crossroads because that would be a lie but I admit that when the fog clears its nice to know that God is in control and loves me so.  God has provided for me in ways I cannot explain; we should never have money to buy food or meds yet it works out.  I thank God for people that have become my family that seriously obey when God leads because I don't know where we would be.  This is not the success of man but it is the success of Christ.  A life in which I never go hungry; I have a roof over my head, I am not moving from place to place we have heat, water and I have to say Thank you LORD!
No, being sick is not pretty or successful but Gods power is made perfect in all of my weaknesses and pain its crazy.  God amazes me!  God has a plan and I have no idea but I know I am the Lord's and he has a plan for my well being and in this darkness I must trust that. 
At this crossroads all I want is Jesus!  For he has given me life, given me an inheritance, a life that no is not perfect but is blessed and joyous even if others call me crazy.  I mean I think about Sunday and how the Lord woke me up sing Alleluia!  And, Gi I problems and all I made it to church and they were inspired to sing Alleluia and I can't tell you the joy that brought me.  The fact that the Pastor talked about how John the Baptist was crazy weird and Jesus was not about titles and it confirmed what I have been feeling and what I have known.  No!  I am not the Pastor, Chaplain or Reverend others expect but I am the Lords and my Father in Heaven loves me and he has my interest at heart and I trust that.  So, I will continue to do my best in pain and bad moments to choose the Lords way..................

it started out good

Hot bath, night time med routine. now i am awake with headache & my belly aches. this is beyond annoying. now I sit here with some tea hoping this restlessness will go away.  I am tired but my head hurts; I took I viccodin earlier for the cramping can't take more for the head.  Should I try a flector patch on my head see if that works.  It might be that my fat head is thinking too much.

Well, while I finish my tea let me just say that I love the preaching at St. Paul's and I really need to consider talking to the pastor.  My only concern at this point is that I want to support Angel in his last year and as he discerns his ministry. 

I feel like a zombie maybe I should not post this but what else can I do.  God knows my heart and my intentions and if it were up to me I would be reading but I can't focus enough to that and I am not in the mood for TV.  Its 4am who do you call to chat a this hour? Well, let me see what else is on this wonderful world of websites.  Check back with you when its daylight............

Sunday Morning..............

Kinda in pain this morning but its more GI stuff.  I woke up dreaming about praising the Lord this morning so I really want to go to church but I am tired.  Not sure because Angel had to take my car his poor car is frozen even thou I warmed it up.  I am not sure I can handle all the walking but maybe I will who knows! 

I actually slept well last night once I did fall asleep.  I find myself actually excited about this whole blog thing although I am stilll learning a lot!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess I will let you know later if I survive this wave of pain!  Remember your Creator! 

Could it be better to shoot me!!

Here is the deal as short as I can make it and WARNING it ain't pretty. And no sympathy this is my life and I KNOW that GOD has a plan because I believe even this is better than the way I grew up!!!! Well, I'm feeling better from my coccyx bruise which happened in my own house at 5am July 28, 2009. These stairs are the scene of the crime!
Turns out I am a hot mess and now other conditions are in a flare. Which are this Pelvic Floor dysfunction, the Painful Bladder syndrome and vulvaydnia. I am still seeing the Chiropractor 3 times a week and following all the at home treatments the doctors have told me to follow. The pelvic doctor said on Friday that things look better since the last visit. Did the only Physical Therapy insurance would allow and now am doing Bladder instilations and Trigger point injections that I don't wish on anybody. Well I have already had procedures like urodynamic testing and biopsy that happened in September. Since some of this stuff is private area stuff I am never sure how much to share even with anybody it is not a secret just my reality. So, its easier to say my belly hurts than to say my who=ha is kiling me. I been got a major physical which all leads to surgery for the Interstitial Cystitis on September 21st; they just forgot to diagnose my craziness. I really don't want to get into all the details but I am not sure about anything at the moment. I just really need to keep taking care of me; we are in a financial mess; I am trying not to let this get me too down. Seriously, DO YOU REALIZE THAT I AM 33 AND THAT RECENTLY I HAD TO WRITE DOWN THIS LIST FOR A DOCTOR? WHICH LEAVES ME FEELING LIKE I AM 80 YEARS OLD. OKAY SOME MUCH SAY TMI!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT THEN IF WE CAN’T LEARN ABOUT THIS STUFF AND I DON’T SHARE THEN WHATS THE POINT. SO, HERE IT GOES MEDICAL CONDITIONS:

• • Anxiety
• • Asthma/allergies
• • Coccygodynia or Coccydynia
• • detrusor overactivity/OAB
• • Ecezema
• • Endometriosis
• • Fibromyalgia
• • gastro esophageal reflux disease (GERD)
• • Interstitial Cystitis & Painful Bladder Syndrome
• • Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• 1. crazy constipation
• • Migraines/Headaches
• • Pelvic floor dysfunction
• • Plantar Fasciitis
• • Sacroiliac joint dysfunction
• • Uterine Fibroids
• • Vulvar vestibulitis syndrome/Vulvodynia
• • Hemorrhoids – Internal and external
• • Laryngopharyngeal something as a result of the GERD
• 1. and maybe Polycystic ovarian syndromebut they figure I got enough on my plate at the moment.
• 2. Ohh! Did I mention I have like 18 medications to take a day internal and external. No wine for me….

What keeps me going....

As a Christian I have been one completely supported by the body of Christ. A family that cared for all my needs not just spiritual needs. The body of Christ helped me with schoolwork, took me to the doctor and provided, as I needed. I truly believe Christ brought me life. It is my understanding that God saved me for a reason. At Eastern College and the Second Spanish Baptist Church that calling continued to be confirmed. Then later at Palmer Seminary and then my work as a Chaplain my call continues to be molded and shaped. Today as a daughter of God seeking his vision for my life, I am aware that I am called. I am called to share with others as my experience taught me, that my Creator wants us to be joyous. That to those God has brought hope and life to should have an education and have the life skills necessary to feel empowered. When Christ comes into our lives he empowers us; that is what the Lord did and still does with my life. I see my ministry as one that equips the body of faith, meaning spirit, soul and body. We should be able to help the community to learn to help themselves whether that means teaching them directly or pointing them to the proper resources. Christ is what has made a difference in my life. I would like to have programs like this involved with the churches I work in, that focus on equipping the body of Christ. God is calling me to bring hope to those that are without hope. To speak the heart of God to his sheep and let them know that they are children of God. The love of God is for them and God created each of us for his purpose. God wants to glorify himself in our lives and to have his love manifest in our lives daily. I desire that we all learn to intentionally live the lives that God intended for us, daily.